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numb3rsflashficTitle: Left Wanting
Pairing/Characters: Don/Howard (Don/Liz implied)
Rating/Category: NC17
Word Count: 6059 words
Spoilers: Through 3.09 Waste Not.
Summary: Don realizes what he really wants and gets a second chance.
Notes/Warning: Sequel to Want Not. I started writing this fic two months ago, a couple days after I posted Want Not; seeing the previews for this week’s ep got me off my duff to finish it.
Written: January 11, 2007
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
~Kahlil Gibran
“Hey, Eppes. Buy a girl a cup of coffee?”
Don looked over his shoulder and grinned. “You’re back.”
Liz just grinned and shrugged.
Don poured a second cup of coffee and handed it to her. “How was babysitting duty?”
“Thanks.” Liz took the cup from Don, then gestured towards the table. When Don nodded, she pulled out one of the chairs and sat. “What an ass. At least the government’s getting some use out of him.”
Don finished fixing his coffee and sat across from her. They spent a few minutes catching up before Liz checked her watch. “I’ve got to get going. How about dinner tonight? Give us a chance to catch up without rushing.”
Don was supposed to meet Howard later, but Liz was smiling at him, eyes shining with promise, so he said, “Sounds great,” and made plans to pick her up. Don was startled to see Howard talking to Megan when he walked Liz out of the break room.
“Hey, Don, Howard’s got great news! Hi, Liz.”
Howard twisted around and smiled at Don, and Don’s breath caught. “Hey, Howard.”
Liz gave a little wave, then pointed at her watch. “I’m sorry to just cut and run, but I’m going to be late.” She pointed that same finger at Don. “I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah, later.” When Don turned back, Howard was still smiling, but it didn’t seem nearly as bright. “So what’s the good news?”
“The judge denied Resnick’s motion, so things are moving forward again.”
“That is great news! Charlie and Dad’ll be glad to hear that, too.”
Howard held out his hand and Don took it. “Listen, Don, I just want to thank you again for the work you and your team did on this one. We’ve been trying to nail this guy for years.” Howard released Don’s hand and shook Megan’s, then picked up the briefcase he’d laid on Megan’s desk. “I’ll call you when we’re ready to schedule your depositions.”
*~*~*
Howard looked surprised when he opened the door and saw Don standing there. His hair was mussed, as if Don’s knock had woken him from a doze in front of the television, and he’d removed the suit he’d had on earlier, replaced it with a T-shirt and a pair of sweats that hung low on his hips. His feet were bare, something that never failed to turn Don on.
“Don.” He blinked, checked his watch, then twisted it around his wrist before resettling it in a comfortable position, a gesture he only made when he was nervous. “What are you doing here?”
Don couldn’t hide his smile. Howard was so cute when he was muddled, though Don would never say that out loud. Instead he licked his lips and gave Howard the smile he could never resist, said, “Thought we had plans.”
It didn’t get the reaction he’d anticipated. Instead, Howard crossed his arms, clearly closing himself off from Don, leaned a shoulder against the doorframe, frowned. “Ahh, yes. And what about your plans with Agent Warner?”
It was Don’s turn to frown and experience a dose of confusion. “Liz? What does she have to do with this?”
Howard sighed, lifted one hand to rub at his eyes. “Everything. And nothing.”
Unsure why, Don felt a sudden stab of guilt. “How did you know about Liz?”
“Because I can put two and two together. Because she said she’d see you later, and you....” Howard indicated the clothes Don had put on for his date with Liz. “...didn’t come over straight from work like you usually do.”
Don was a little bit shocked at the turn their conversation had taken, and a little bit embarrassed, though he didn’t know why he should be. “Well, you’re right, Liz and I had dinner....”
Howard didn’t say anything, just raised his eyebrows.
Caught, and not wanting to tell Howard an outright lie, Don said, “Look, what difference does that make? I mean, I’m here now, right?”
“And I should be grateful for that, I suppose?”
Don felt himself getting angry, which was a lot better than embarrassed and guilty for no reason at all, and his expression must have reflected that.
Howard raised his hand to halt any retort Don was building up to. “I apologize, that was uncalled for.” He took a deep breath, continued. “Look, Don, I knew this wasn’t going to last.”
Those words felt like a punch to Don’s gut. “What are you talking about?”
Howard gave him a wry smile. “In fact, I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did. But I wasn’t joking when I said that, when I’m with someone, I’m with them exclusively. I guess I just assumed you’d pay me the same courtesy in return. That was unwise of me, perhaps.”
The anger returned. “Exclusive? I must have missed the part where you put a ring on my finger.”
Howard looked like he wanted to roll his eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. You and I both know there was no commitment, and I always knew it was a short term arrangement, but I’m not interested in being with someone who wants to play the field during our time together, however brief.”
Don’s stomach roiled. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying....” Howard paused, took a breath. “I’m saying that, however you’re imagining this little arrangement - whether you’re with me, and fucking around with Liz, or you’re with her, in which case I get to be your dirty little secret.... Either way, I’m not interested.”
“So, what, this is it? Just like that?”
“Yeah, just like that. Why don’t we just chalk it up to a miscommunication, hmm? No hard feelings. And like I’ve said all along, this won’t affect our working relationship.” Howard stepped back, gave Don a sad smile. “Goodnight, Don.”
Howard closed the door and left Don standing there. Part of him felt like pounding on the door, telling Howard that he’d given up a warm bed with soft limbs wrapped around him so he could be with him, but somehow he didn’t think that would earn him any points. Christ! He ran his hands through his hair. How had things gotten so fucked up so quickly?
Don wasn’t sure why he felt blindsided. Howard had told him that he was monogamous when he was in a relationship, and Don had known that Howard had expected monogamy in return, at least for the duration of their relationship. Don had known that Liz was offering more than dinner when she made the invitation, yet still he’d accepted. Was that his way of telling himself that he was ready to move on? Or perhaps he’d been testing Howard, seeing if he could have it both ways.
Most of his experience with men had been one-night stands. The rest could be summed up in one word: Coop. They’d been partners and best friends for three years, they’d fucked their way across the country, but they’d never been exclusive, not if there was someone else around who’d caught their eye. That was just the way it was with guys. Guys didn’t do exclusive, and they sure as hell didn’t fall in love.
*~*~*
Don saw Howard for the first time two weeks later at La Bella. He and Liz had finally managed to schedule a lunch that didn’t get cancelled due to work; Howard was there with Robin. Don groaned.
“What is it?” Liz asked, looked around. She glanced at Don after catching a glimpse of Robin. “The ex. Is that gonna be a problem? ‘Cause we can always go somewhere else.”
“No,” Don said, “not a problem.” He rested his hand on Liz’s waist as they followed the hostess to their table.
Once they were seated, Don made a point to not look in Howard and Robin’s direction. Liz grinned at him, but waited until the waitress had taken their order and the menus before saying, “You’re dying to look over there, aren’t you?”
Don’s face got hot. He hadn’t seen Howard in two weeks, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t thought about him, and yeah, he wanted to look over at him, soak him in. “Is it that obvious?” he asked as he flipped open the napkin, played with the silverware.
“Human nature,” Liz said. “Is she moving on, or is this a working lunch, do you suppose?”
Don choked on the sip of water he’d just taken. “What?”
“Robin and Howard. Working lunch, or date?”
Don couldn’t remember feeling so put on the spot. Well, in the past two weeks, anyway, since Howard had confronted him about Liz. “I, uh, working lunch, I’d guess.”
To Don’s dismay, Howard and Robin showed up at their table on the heels of their waitress, who dropped off their drinks and left.
“Hello, Don,” Howard said.
“Howard, Robin, good to see you.” Don wondered if the word ‘liar’ was flashing across his forehead.
“Don.” Robin gave a slight inclination of her head in greeting.
Don introduced Liz. “This is Special Agent Liz Warner, she’s in Organized Crime. Liz, AUSA Robin Brooks and USA Howard Meeks.”
“Pleasure to meet you,” Liz said, and shook both their hands. Don couldn’t tell if she was lying, too.
“We don’t mean to interrupt your lunch,” Howard said, “I just wanted to let you know that Robin’s going to be working with me on that toxic waste case, and we’ll be calling your office to set up those depositions, probably within the next week or so.”
“Great,” Don said. “I mean, that’s great news. It’ll be nice to get Resnick and Parkman behind bars where they belong.”
“Well, enjoy your lunch,” Howard said, and he and Robin left.
“Great,” Don said. Just what he needed, working a case with both of his exes.
*~*~*
A couple days after they’d run into him at La Bella, Howard was already on the elevator when Don rushed on, late for a team meeting. Howard looked good, but then he’d always looked good in a suit. Almost as good as when Don got him out of it. Don fumbled his coffee at that thought, but just managed to hold onto it. “Hey, Howard, hi.”
“Don.”
“You here about the Resnick case?” Neither Howard nor Robin had yet contacted his team about interviews or depositions.
“No, another matter.”
They fell silent, and Don considered letting the silence grow, except Howard looked uncomfortable. More uncomfortable than being in an elevator with Don warranted, given Howard’s apparently easy acceptance when they’d stopped seeing each other. “Something wrong?”
Howard shook his head. “No, not really.”
The elevator slid to a smooth stop on Howard’s floor and he stepped off as soon as the doors opened. He looked back at Don, held up the folder he carried. “Just sending someone undercover. It’s never easy, no matter who it is.”
The doors slid shut and Don realized that Howard had gotten off on the third floor. He jammed the ‘open’ button three times before the doors began to slide back, rushed out of the elevator without giving them a chance to open all the way. Howard was nearly to the glass doors that led to the LA division of the Organized Crime Unit.
“Howard.”
Howard stopped in his tracks and Don could see the deep breath he took before turning around to face him.
“Liz? You’re sending Liz undercover?”
“Yes.”
“The Tommy Wong case?”
“Yes.”
Don brushed his hand through his hair. “Jesus, Howard, Tommy Wong is....”
“I know.”
“You can’t....”
“Are you going to be the one to walk in there and tell her that she’s not a good enough agent to go undercover?”
Don covered his mouth; his thoughts jangled around in his head. Liz was a damned good agent, and he knew that she was placed in dangerous situations on a regular basis due to her job, to their job, but Tommy Wong was more than dangerous. He was an animal, a killer who wouldn’t think twice about ordering Liz’s throat slit if he thought she was a threat to him or his organization.
“If it helps, she really is the best agent for the job.” And then Howard was gone, and Don was left standing alone in the hallway.
Two weeks later Don ran into Howard in the lobby of the FBI building as he was leaving for the day. Liz had been undercover for five days, two more than they’d anticipated she’d need, based on the data they’d received from their informant, but she’d managed to uncover the date and place where Tommy Wong expected his next delivery of weapons, as well as the name of his supplier, information that had put one of the largest drug and weapons smugglers on the West Coast out of business. Someone else would filled the vacuum left by Wong’s arrest, but until then they were all breathing a little bit easier.
Don made himself wait patiently until Howard had disengaged his cell phone before saying, “You were right.”
Howard slipped his cell phone back onto his belt. “About what?”
“Choosing Liz for the Wong sting.”
Howard nodded. “If it makes any difference, I almost didn’t choose her.”
Don cocked his head. “Why not?”
“Because of you.” Howard resumed walking towards the front doors, and Don fell into step with him. “I imagined how you’d feel if anything happened to her, even imagined you blaming me for it.”
Don pushed the door open, held it for Howard. “What made you change your mind?”
“I thought about what Liz would do to me if she ever found out I’d passed her over for this assignment.”
Don laughed. “Yeah, you were right about that, too.” Standing on the sidewalk, Don said, “Listen, can I buy you a drink?”
*~*~*
This was the third time Howard had agreed to meet him for a drink and a bite to eat after work. Don didn’t kid himself, he missed the sex, but he missed Howard’s wry sense of humor and the way he could make Don laugh even more. Yet he couldn’t stop thinking about ‘what if’.
“Why did you think it wouldn’t last?”
Howard shrugged. “I figured you’d move on eventually.”
“What, you think I can’t make a commitment?”
Howard sighed. “Look, Don, it’s not a question of can’t, I just didn’t think you were ready to.”
“Why? I mean, why did you think that?”
“Let’s just say that your reputation precedes you, and leave it at that, all right?”
“No, wait, what? My reputation? What the hell does that mean?”
Howard counted off on his fingers. “Nadine, Robin....”
Okay, so apparently word was out at the US Attorney’s office that Don was a commitment-phobe. “All right, fine, but....”
“....Liz....”
“Now wait a minute, Liz was after you.” He broke off when he realized what he’d said. “Okay, that might not be the right argument here.”
“And before. Word gets round the law enforcement community, Don. Nothing is sacred, especially sex.”
“Jesus. Is that why you came on all interested?”
Howard laughed. “Yes, Don, your reputation with women led me to believe that you’d be receptive to an overture from me. Besides, if I remember correctly, it was you who made the first move.”
“Because you were looking at me like...! Christ, I was hard for almost the entire case.”
Howard leaned forward, laid his fingers on Don’s hand. “It was good while it lasted, Don. I’m not sorry about our time together.”
“What if I was? Ready, that is, not sorry.”
“I’m not going to play ‘what if’ with you, Don, because this isn’t a game to me.”
Don wanted to tell Howard that it wasn’t a game to him, either, but the words stuck in his throat. Instead they changed the subject and ordered another round.
*~*~*
Don was sitting at the table in the break room when Megan came in for a coffee refill. The fresh pot he’d started had just stopped dripping moments ago, which proved that Megan either had really good timing or a nose for the fresh stuff. She poured, stirred.
“Hey, something wrong?”
“No. Not really. Just....” He couldn’t get the things Howard had told him out of his head.
Megan slid onto the seat across from him, blew on the steaming mug she warmed her hands on. “Just what?”
She looked so earnest and interested that Don couldn’t help himself, and he took a moment to be thankful that she was on their side before he said, “Do I have a reputation?”
Megan didn’t laugh, but Don could tell that it was a close thing. “A, uh, reputation for what, exactly?”
“Nothing, never mind, this is stupid.” Don started to slide off the chair, but Megan placed her hand, warm from the coffee mug, on his wrist.
“No, it’s not stupid. I’m sorry, you just surprised me. Please, stay.”
Don settled himself back on the hard seat, which in itself was telling, because he really couldn’t believe that he was talking to anyone about this.
“Now, explain. What kind of reputation?”
“The kind you think I mean.” Don knew he sounded snotty, but he couldn’t stop himself.
“You mean when I got transferred to LA, and told my best friend I’d be working on your team, did she warn me about you? Then tell me if anything happened to call her with all the gory details?”
“Oh, Jesus.” Don buried his face in his hands. “Seriously?” he asked, the word muffled by his hands.
Megan patted his arm. “Hey, at least word in the agency is that you’re a gentleman. I mean, why do you think there’s a waiting list a mile long for the LA office?”
Don lifted his head just far enough to stare at her over his fingers. Thankfully he saw the twitch at the corner of her lips before he made a fool out of himself. “Yeah, cute. So what did you tell your friend?”
“That the Don Eppes I met was an honorable man who wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize the team.”
Don snorted, even more embarrassed at the compliment than he’d been over spilling his guts.
“What brought this on?”
“Nothing, just...something someone told me.” Megan didn’t say anything, just gave him the space to answer at his own pace. “That they didn’t expect our relationship to last because m-my reputation preceded me.”
“Ouch.”
“I mean, it’s not like I go into these relationships thinking they’re not going to last.” He remembered how quickly he’d been to accept Liz’s invitation her first day back, even though he’d already had plans with Howard. “Mostly.”
“So, what, now you’re worried that you’re a big old man slut?”
Don didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “A big old man slut?” Megan shrugged. “No. No, but...what if I can’t commit? What if I...?”
“That’s a load of bull. You can commit. You’re committed to your family and to your team.” Megan shushed him when he started to speak. “Look, I know that it sucks when things don’t work out, but have you ever thought that maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet?”
“I thought that was an excuse people used when they couldn’t commit.”
Megan laughed. “Or it could be the truth.” She slid off the seat, picked up her mug. “Hey, listen, Don, if it makes you feel any better, David gave Colby the same warning.”
Don couldn’t get his mouth to work, and Megan’s laugh echoed in the bullpen as she made her way back to her desk.
“Funny,” he finally said, but she was too far away to hear his clever reply. Then he shook his head and grinned as he got up and poured himself a fresh cup of coffee. Maybe Megan was right, and he just hadn’t found the right person yet. Or maybe he had, and that’s why Howard’s words had cut so deeply.
*~*~*
The breakup with Liz was bloodless and mostly painless. Apparently she’d heard all about his reputation as well, and had been expecting it. Don wasn’t sure whether to curse or just be grateful for it in that instance. He’d thought about what Megan had said, thought about the string of exes he’d left behind him over the last ten years: Terry, Coop, Nikki, Kim, Nadine, Robin, Howard and Liz, and that didn’t count all the one-night stands he’d had. He’d liked them all, loved them, even, but the choice to date most of them had been made on the basis of what he was supposed to be striving for - wife, 2.5 kids, white picket fence - rather than on the basis of whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Until he’d met Howard, though he hadn’t realized it at the time.
Over the next few days Megan kept giving him funny looks until he finally snapped, “What?”
“I don’t know.” She studied him. “You just seem...different. Happier.”
“Huh.” Don thought about that for a minute. “I guess I am.” He hadn’t realized how much lighter he’d felt since he’d made the decision to be honest with himself and end things with Liz.
“Good. I’m glad. So things are working out with Liz?”
“Actually....” Don slid a hip onto the corner of Megan’s desk. “...Liz and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.” Megan’s face fell, but before she could say anything, Don waved his hand and continued. “No, no, it’s fine. We’re still friends, but you were right.”
“I was? Well, of course I was. About what?”
“About meeting the right person. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like Liz. I like her a lot.”
“What’s not to like, right?”
“Exactly! I mean, she’s smart, beautiful, funny....”
“Can kick your ass.”
Don raised his eyebrows. “Is that what Larry likes?”
Megan’s skin turned a bright pink even as she laughed. “I’m not telling. Now, back to you.”
“Okay, well, so, yeah, I mean, I probably could have spent the rest of my life with her, except....”
“Something would have been missing.”
Don sighed, relieved that it could so easily be put into words, that someone else could understand what he was feeling. “Yes, exactly.”
“You’re feeling a little giddy now, aren’t you?”
“That obvious, huh?”
Megan shrugged. “I wasn’t sure what it was, at first, but you look like you’ve stopped carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
“I finally feel like I know what I’m doing.” He looked up and saw a familiar form pass down the hallway towards the elevator. It was the first time he’d seen Howard since he’d broken things off with Liz. Don slid off Megan’s desk. “Excuse me.”
Megan’s reply was lost in the sound of the blood pounding in Don’s ears. He wiped his palms on his slacks as he sped across the bullpen, hoping to catch Howard before he disappeared. In the hallway, Howard stood with his back to Don, head bowed over the document he was reading as he waited for the elevator.
“Hey.”
Howard looked up from his papers, then he smiled. “Don.”
“Listen, uh....” Don leaned one shoulder against the wall, afraid his knees would give out if he didn’t have some other means of support. “I was wondering if we could get together tonight, for dinner. Or just drinks,” he added when Howard frowned.
“Don, I’m sorry, I can’t tonight. I’m going to be working late answering this brief...” He flipped through the document he’d been reading. “...so we can file our answer first thing in the morning.”
The elevator arrived and Howard stepped inside, pressed the button for the first floor, and Don panicked. “Tomorrow night?”
Howard was peering at him as if he could see right through to Don’s soul. “I’ll call you,” he said as the door closed between them.
Don let his head fall against the wall. Just like that, the buoyancy he’d been feeling was suddenly lost in the heavy drag of disappointment. How many times had he said, “I’ll call you,” and never followed through? He couldn’t believe that Howard was blowing him off, not after they’d started to rebuild their friendship. Unless Howard hadn’t realized the import of Don’s invitation.
Energized, Don pushed himself away from the wall and headed for the stairs. He took two at a time until he reached the first floor. As he pushed through the fire door, Don saw Howard’s back disappear out the glass doors at the front of the building. He raced across the lobby and caught up to Howard as he was putting his briefcase in his car.
“Howard!”
“Don?” Howard looked startled at first, then looked at Don more intently, and Don wondered what he saw.
“Hey. Listen. I, uh, I’d really like you to have dinner with me tomorrow night.” He waited, watching the expressions flit across Howard’s face. When it looked like he might need a gentle push to accept, Don took his hand, said, “Please. Please give me a second chance.”
Howard looked down at their hands, then into Don’s eyes. “I take it you’re not talking about drinks and dinner between friends.”
“Well, friends, yes, of course, but more, I hope.”
Howard shook his head. “Don....”
“Look, I’ve been doing some thinking and, uh....” Don’s stomach fell. “Oh, god, you’re not seeing anyone, are you?”
Howard shook his head again. “No. Aren’t you?”
“No, I’m not seeing anyone. Yet.”
“Oh. You, uh, you were saying? You’ve been doing some thinking...?”
Don shook his head to clear it. “Right, yeah, I’ve been thinking about my, uh, relationships and why they haven’t lasted.”
Howard leaned against the car, interested, Don figured, since his hand still rested in Don’s. “And what did you realize?”
“They weren’t the right one.”
Both of Howard’s eyebrows went up. “And I am?”
“Yeah, I, uh, I mean, I think so.” He stroked his finger over the back of Howard’s hand. “I think you are. Is that, uh, is that too much for you?”
Howard pulled his hand out of Don’s, walked around the car. Don’s heart plummeted. Howard pulled the driver’s side door open, said, “Eight o’clock, my place. I’ll cook,” before sliding into the car.
Don had a stupid smile on his face as he watched Howard pull away.
*~*~*
Alan looked up from the paper he was reading when Don pushed the door open and stepped into the foyer. “Oh, hey, Donny.”
“Hey, Dad.”
Charlie looked up from his laptop long enough to smile a welcome and Don inclined his chin in acknowledgment.
“No plans with Liz tonight?”
“No.” Don, back to his father as he hung up his jacket, grimaced. As much as he wasn’t looking forward to having this conversation with is father, he’d never get a better opening. When he turned back toward the living room, Charlie was staring at him, a concerned expression on his face.
“Is everything all right?”
“What, something’s wrong? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, Dad.” Don reached out to bop Charlie on the head as he walked past him, anticipated his attempt to duck out of the way and made contact.
“Ow.”
Don sat down, wished he’d had time to get a beer first, almost got up to go get one - or two. Instead he said, “But there is something I need to tell you.”
“Oh? What?”
Charlie hadn’t said anything, but he was no longer paying attention to his laptop.
“Liz and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.”
Charlie and their father fell all over themselves telling him how sorry they were and asking if he was all right.
“I’m fine. I really am. I mean, I liked Liz, I liked her a lot, but....” Putting his feelings into words was more difficult than Don had thought it would be, and he’d thought it would be plenty difficult. “She’s not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
“How do you know?”
Don found himself annoyed at his father’s reasonable tone. “Because I think I’ve already met that person, Dad.” He wiped his hand over his face. “All my life I’ve felt like a square peg, trying to stuff myself into a round hole, and I can’t do that anymore. I like women, but...I’ve met someone, and I think he could be it for me.”
Alan said, “Oh.”
Charlie didn’t say anything, though he looked surprised. Don watched as his expressions moved through hurt to thoughtful. “Chuck?”
“How come you never said anything? I mean....” He left the rest unsaid, but Don heard the unspoken ‘you knew I’d understand.’
Don had known that Charlie wasn’t averse to spending quality time with people of the same sex ever since the afternoon he’d walked in on Charlie and Joey Parrish during the summer after Charlie’d graduated from Princeton. Don hadn’t believed they’d been studying math, no matter what Charlie had said at the time, until Charlie had explained the rules of strip-studying, where every time you got an answer wrong you had to remove an article of clothing. Don had wondered how Charlie’d gotten any actual studying done that way, and, very briefly, had also wondered what else Charlie had learned at Princeton, though he’d closed off that line of thought before he’d needed to bleach the images from his brain. They hadn’t talked about it again. Until now.
“It wasn’t something about myself that I was comfortable with,” Don said. He wasn’t sure if Charlie understood, or if he was merely giving him a pass, but he just nodded.
“Are you sure?”
Don turned his attention back to his father. “You know how much I hate talking about my feelings, you really think I’d be saying this now if I wasn’t sure?”
“No, it’s just...you’ve chosen a hard path, Donny. You know I just want you to be happy.”
“I do know that, Dad, and I think I’ll be much happier once I stop lying to myself. And you guys. I mean, I can’t tell everyone, but, you know....”
Alan saved Don from himself. “So, who’s the lucky man? Howard?”
“Uh, yeah. How’d you know?”
Alan scoffed. “I might not have realized it at the time, but he’s the only one you brought home to meet your family. Were you...dating him?”
“Yeah, I-I guess I was.”
“Well, he’s not a doctor, Dad, but little Donny bagged himself an attorney,” Charlie chimed in, grinning.
Alan laughed and Don couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face. “Shut up, Chuck.” Don squeezed his father’s shoulder as he walked past on the way to the kitchen and a much-deserved beer.
“Hey, bring me one, too!”
Don flipped his brother off behind their father’s back, then laughed to himself when Charlie told on him. That had been as excruciatingly difficult as he’d anticipated, but it had been worth it.
*~*~*
Howard was wearing a pair of grey slacks and a white dress shirt, the sleeves rolled up, top two buttons opened. Most of his outfit was covered by the ‘Kiss the Cook’ apron he wore, but he still looked good enough to eat. Don was glad he’d dressed up in black pants with the blue silk shirt that Howard had liked to slide between his fingers. He’d gone without an undershirt, hoping it would just be in the way, and been punished for his hubris as the shirt rubbed against his nipples the entire drive over, resulting in him being half hard before Howard had even opened the door.
As he stepped over the threshold, Don held out the bottle he carried. “I brought wine.”
Howard, the consummate host, took the bottle. “Thank you.” He read the label. “Nice. I’ve got a bottle breathing, so I’ll just stick this one in the refrigerator for later.”
Don was happier than the comment warranted, already looking forward to there being a ‘later’. Howard closed the door and Don followed him to the kitchen, where Howard poured two glasses of wine, handed one to Don, and then checked the oven.
“We’ve still got a few minutes until it’s done. Living room?”
Howard sat on the couch, but Don walked over to the wall of windows and looked out over the city. He’d missed coming over here. His apartment felt dreary after spending time in Howard’s, and not just because of the location, the furnishings, or even the spectacular view. He’d missed Howard, but he’d been slow in figuring that out. Don took a sip of the wine Howard had chosen, then walked over to the couch and sat down beside Howard.
Don set his glass on the coffee table, twisted so that he was facing Howard. “Hi.”
Howard’s lips twitched. “Hi.”
Don reached out slowly, giving Howard plenty of notice before Don cupped his face, leaned forward and pulled him into a kiss. It started out chaste and sweet, a gentle press of lips that said *hi, I missed you, I’m glad you’re here*. Howard raised the ante when he slid his tongue across Don’s lip, but the kiss remained tender until Howard reached out blindly and set his own wine glass down, then curled his fingers around the back of Don’s neck.
Don moaned into Howard’s mouth and passion, once banked, now exploded into a conflagration. Howard gave him a little push and Don allowed himself to be pressed back, welcomed the heat and weight of Howard’s body on his. Howard slid his free hand over Don’s chest, thumbed his nipple through the silk.
Howard lifted his mouth just enough to whisper against Don’s lips, “I love this shirt.”
Don arched up into his touch. “I know, god, I know.”
Howard nipped at Don’s lip. “You remembered?”
“Yes, please....”
Howard lowered his head and flicked his tongue over the nub pressing against the shirt, then suckled it through the silk. Don moaned, pulled Howard’s head up and kissed him until the smell of overcooked dinner reached them.
In the kitchen, they moved around each other like they’d been doing it for years, turning off the oven and removing the roasting pan, turning on the fan, opening the windows. Howard waved a potholder to clear away the smoke that had billowed out of the oven when he’d opened the door. He gave Don a self-deprecating grin. “Well, so much for impressing you with my culinary skills.”
Everything suddenly clicked into place and Don knew he was right where he wanted to be. He could actually see himself here next week, next month, next year. He slipped his finger beneath Howard’s waistband and tugged him close until their bodies were touching. “You don’t need to impress me.” He dropped a kiss on Howard’s lips. “At least, not with your culinary skills.” Another kiss.
Howard licked his lips. “We should probably take things slow this time, don’t you think?”
Don backed him against the refrigerator. “Actually, Counselor, I think that idea sucks.” This time the kiss was deep and hungry and desperate, and Don hoped that Howard understood everything he was trying to say with it. When they separated, Howard’s lips were red, wet, swollen, and Don knew that his looked the same. Don slid his fingers along the waistband until he reached the button.
Voice a little rough, cracking, Howard said, “Well, I guess we could negotiate.”
Don slipped the button, drew down the zip.
“Compromise.”
Don slid his hand into Howard’s pants, cupped his erection through his boxers, squeezed. “No plea bargain; you’re going down.” Don pushed Howard’s shorts out of the way until he could wrap his fingers around the hot, hard length of him.
Howard’s laugh was breathless and broke off into a long, low moan. “B-but it’s my first offense.”
“If you can’t do the time, then don’t do the crime.” Don swiped his thumb over the head of Howard’s cock as he nibbled on his neck. He’d missed the feel of him, the taste of him, and he wanted it all, right now. Don poked his thumb into the slit just to hear the way Howard moaned, pressed his thumb into the sweet spot below the ridge just to feel him shake.
Howard pushed into his fist. “Jesus, Don! What, uh, what are you offering?”
“Life,” Don said against Howard’s ear, squeezing just the way Howard liked it when his thrusts sped up, “with no possibility of parole.”
“I accept,” Howard gasped, and came over Don’s hand.
The End
Pairing/Characters: Don/Howard (Don/Liz implied)
Rating/Category: NC17
Word Count: 6059 words
Spoilers: Through 3.09 Waste Not.
Summary: Don realizes what he really wants and gets a second chance.
Notes/Warning: Sequel to Want Not. I started writing this fic two months ago, a couple days after I posted Want Not; seeing the previews for this week’s ep got me off my duff to finish it.
Written: January 11, 2007
~Kahlil Gibran
“Hey, Eppes. Buy a girl a cup of coffee?”
Don looked over his shoulder and grinned. “You’re back.”
Liz just grinned and shrugged.
Don poured a second cup of coffee and handed it to her. “How was babysitting duty?”
“Thanks.” Liz took the cup from Don, then gestured towards the table. When Don nodded, she pulled out one of the chairs and sat. “What an ass. At least the government’s getting some use out of him.”
Don finished fixing his coffee and sat across from her. They spent a few minutes catching up before Liz checked her watch. “I’ve got to get going. How about dinner tonight? Give us a chance to catch up without rushing.”
Don was supposed to meet Howard later, but Liz was smiling at him, eyes shining with promise, so he said, “Sounds great,” and made plans to pick her up. Don was startled to see Howard talking to Megan when he walked Liz out of the break room.
“Hey, Don, Howard’s got great news! Hi, Liz.”
Howard twisted around and smiled at Don, and Don’s breath caught. “Hey, Howard.”
Liz gave a little wave, then pointed at her watch. “I’m sorry to just cut and run, but I’m going to be late.” She pointed that same finger at Don. “I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah, later.” When Don turned back, Howard was still smiling, but it didn’t seem nearly as bright. “So what’s the good news?”
“The judge denied Resnick’s motion, so things are moving forward again.”
“That is great news! Charlie and Dad’ll be glad to hear that, too.”
Howard held out his hand and Don took it. “Listen, Don, I just want to thank you again for the work you and your team did on this one. We’ve been trying to nail this guy for years.” Howard released Don’s hand and shook Megan’s, then picked up the briefcase he’d laid on Megan’s desk. “I’ll call you when we’re ready to schedule your depositions.”
Howard looked surprised when he opened the door and saw Don standing there. His hair was mussed, as if Don’s knock had woken him from a doze in front of the television, and he’d removed the suit he’d had on earlier, replaced it with a T-shirt and a pair of sweats that hung low on his hips. His feet were bare, something that never failed to turn Don on.
“Don.” He blinked, checked his watch, then twisted it around his wrist before resettling it in a comfortable position, a gesture he only made when he was nervous. “What are you doing here?”
Don couldn’t hide his smile. Howard was so cute when he was muddled, though Don would never say that out loud. Instead he licked his lips and gave Howard the smile he could never resist, said, “Thought we had plans.”
It didn’t get the reaction he’d anticipated. Instead, Howard crossed his arms, clearly closing himself off from Don, leaned a shoulder against the doorframe, frowned. “Ahh, yes. And what about your plans with Agent Warner?”
It was Don’s turn to frown and experience a dose of confusion. “Liz? What does she have to do with this?”
Howard sighed, lifted one hand to rub at his eyes. “Everything. And nothing.”
Unsure why, Don felt a sudden stab of guilt. “How did you know about Liz?”
“Because I can put two and two together. Because she said she’d see you later, and you....” Howard indicated the clothes Don had put on for his date with Liz. “...didn’t come over straight from work like you usually do.”
Don was a little bit shocked at the turn their conversation had taken, and a little bit embarrassed, though he didn’t know why he should be. “Well, you’re right, Liz and I had dinner....”
Howard didn’t say anything, just raised his eyebrows.
Caught, and not wanting to tell Howard an outright lie, Don said, “Look, what difference does that make? I mean, I’m here now, right?”
“And I should be grateful for that, I suppose?”
Don felt himself getting angry, which was a lot better than embarrassed and guilty for no reason at all, and his expression must have reflected that.
Howard raised his hand to halt any retort Don was building up to. “I apologize, that was uncalled for.” He took a deep breath, continued. “Look, Don, I knew this wasn’t going to last.”
Those words felt like a punch to Don’s gut. “What are you talking about?”
Howard gave him a wry smile. “In fact, I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did. But I wasn’t joking when I said that, when I’m with someone, I’m with them exclusively. I guess I just assumed you’d pay me the same courtesy in return. That was unwise of me, perhaps.”
The anger returned. “Exclusive? I must have missed the part where you put a ring on my finger.”
Howard looked like he wanted to roll his eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. You and I both know there was no commitment, and I always knew it was a short term arrangement, but I’m not interested in being with someone who wants to play the field during our time together, however brief.”
Don’s stomach roiled. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying....” Howard paused, took a breath. “I’m saying that, however you’re imagining this little arrangement - whether you’re with me, and fucking around with Liz, or you’re with her, in which case I get to be your dirty little secret.... Either way, I’m not interested.”
“So, what, this is it? Just like that?”
“Yeah, just like that. Why don’t we just chalk it up to a miscommunication, hmm? No hard feelings. And like I’ve said all along, this won’t affect our working relationship.” Howard stepped back, gave Don a sad smile. “Goodnight, Don.”
Howard closed the door and left Don standing there. Part of him felt like pounding on the door, telling Howard that he’d given up a warm bed with soft limbs wrapped around him so he could be with him, but somehow he didn’t think that would earn him any points. Christ! He ran his hands through his hair. How had things gotten so fucked up so quickly?
Don wasn’t sure why he felt blindsided. Howard had told him that he was monogamous when he was in a relationship, and Don had known that Howard had expected monogamy in return, at least for the duration of their relationship. Don had known that Liz was offering more than dinner when she made the invitation, yet still he’d accepted. Was that his way of telling himself that he was ready to move on? Or perhaps he’d been testing Howard, seeing if he could have it both ways.
Most of his experience with men had been one-night stands. The rest could be summed up in one word: Coop. They’d been partners and best friends for three years, they’d fucked their way across the country, but they’d never been exclusive, not if there was someone else around who’d caught their eye. That was just the way it was with guys. Guys didn’t do exclusive, and they sure as hell didn’t fall in love.
Don saw Howard for the first time two weeks later at La Bella. He and Liz had finally managed to schedule a lunch that didn’t get cancelled due to work; Howard was there with Robin. Don groaned.
“What is it?” Liz asked, looked around. She glanced at Don after catching a glimpse of Robin. “The ex. Is that gonna be a problem? ‘Cause we can always go somewhere else.”
“No,” Don said, “not a problem.” He rested his hand on Liz’s waist as they followed the hostess to their table.
Once they were seated, Don made a point to not look in Howard and Robin’s direction. Liz grinned at him, but waited until the waitress had taken their order and the menus before saying, “You’re dying to look over there, aren’t you?”
Don’s face got hot. He hadn’t seen Howard in two weeks, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t thought about him, and yeah, he wanted to look over at him, soak him in. “Is it that obvious?” he asked as he flipped open the napkin, played with the silverware.
“Human nature,” Liz said. “Is she moving on, or is this a working lunch, do you suppose?”
Don choked on the sip of water he’d just taken. “What?”
“Robin and Howard. Working lunch, or date?”
Don couldn’t remember feeling so put on the spot. Well, in the past two weeks, anyway, since Howard had confronted him about Liz. “I, uh, working lunch, I’d guess.”
To Don’s dismay, Howard and Robin showed up at their table on the heels of their waitress, who dropped off their drinks and left.
“Hello, Don,” Howard said.
“Howard, Robin, good to see you.” Don wondered if the word ‘liar’ was flashing across his forehead.
“Don.” Robin gave a slight inclination of her head in greeting.
Don introduced Liz. “This is Special Agent Liz Warner, she’s in Organized Crime. Liz, AUSA Robin Brooks and USA Howard Meeks.”
“Pleasure to meet you,” Liz said, and shook both their hands. Don couldn’t tell if she was lying, too.
“We don’t mean to interrupt your lunch,” Howard said, “I just wanted to let you know that Robin’s going to be working with me on that toxic waste case, and we’ll be calling your office to set up those depositions, probably within the next week or so.”
“Great,” Don said. “I mean, that’s great news. It’ll be nice to get Resnick and Parkman behind bars where they belong.”
“Well, enjoy your lunch,” Howard said, and he and Robin left.
“Great,” Don said. Just what he needed, working a case with both of his exes.
A couple days after they’d run into him at La Bella, Howard was already on the elevator when Don rushed on, late for a team meeting. Howard looked good, but then he’d always looked good in a suit. Almost as good as when Don got him out of it. Don fumbled his coffee at that thought, but just managed to hold onto it. “Hey, Howard, hi.”
“Don.”
“You here about the Resnick case?” Neither Howard nor Robin had yet contacted his team about interviews or depositions.
“No, another matter.”
They fell silent, and Don considered letting the silence grow, except Howard looked uncomfortable. More uncomfortable than being in an elevator with Don warranted, given Howard’s apparently easy acceptance when they’d stopped seeing each other. “Something wrong?”
Howard shook his head. “No, not really.”
The elevator slid to a smooth stop on Howard’s floor and he stepped off as soon as the doors opened. He looked back at Don, held up the folder he carried. “Just sending someone undercover. It’s never easy, no matter who it is.”
The doors slid shut and Don realized that Howard had gotten off on the third floor. He jammed the ‘open’ button three times before the doors began to slide back, rushed out of the elevator without giving them a chance to open all the way. Howard was nearly to the glass doors that led to the LA division of the Organized Crime Unit.
“Howard.”
Howard stopped in his tracks and Don could see the deep breath he took before turning around to face him.
“Liz? You’re sending Liz undercover?”
“Yes.”
“The Tommy Wong case?”
“Yes.”
Don brushed his hand through his hair. “Jesus, Howard, Tommy Wong is....”
“I know.”
“You can’t....”
“Are you going to be the one to walk in there and tell her that she’s not a good enough agent to go undercover?”
Don covered his mouth; his thoughts jangled around in his head. Liz was a damned good agent, and he knew that she was placed in dangerous situations on a regular basis due to her job, to their job, but Tommy Wong was more than dangerous. He was an animal, a killer who wouldn’t think twice about ordering Liz’s throat slit if he thought she was a threat to him or his organization.
“If it helps, she really is the best agent for the job.” And then Howard was gone, and Don was left standing alone in the hallway.
Two weeks later Don ran into Howard in the lobby of the FBI building as he was leaving for the day. Liz had been undercover for five days, two more than they’d anticipated she’d need, based on the data they’d received from their informant, but she’d managed to uncover the date and place where Tommy Wong expected his next delivery of weapons, as well as the name of his supplier, information that had put one of the largest drug and weapons smugglers on the West Coast out of business. Someone else would filled the vacuum left by Wong’s arrest, but until then they were all breathing a little bit easier.
Don made himself wait patiently until Howard had disengaged his cell phone before saying, “You were right.”
Howard slipped his cell phone back onto his belt. “About what?”
“Choosing Liz for the Wong sting.”
Howard nodded. “If it makes any difference, I almost didn’t choose her.”
Don cocked his head. “Why not?”
“Because of you.” Howard resumed walking towards the front doors, and Don fell into step with him. “I imagined how you’d feel if anything happened to her, even imagined you blaming me for it.”
Don pushed the door open, held it for Howard. “What made you change your mind?”
“I thought about what Liz would do to me if she ever found out I’d passed her over for this assignment.”
Don laughed. “Yeah, you were right about that, too.” Standing on the sidewalk, Don said, “Listen, can I buy you a drink?”
This was the third time Howard had agreed to meet him for a drink and a bite to eat after work. Don didn’t kid himself, he missed the sex, but he missed Howard’s wry sense of humor and the way he could make Don laugh even more. Yet he couldn’t stop thinking about ‘what if’.
“Why did you think it wouldn’t last?”
Howard shrugged. “I figured you’d move on eventually.”
“What, you think I can’t make a commitment?”
Howard sighed. “Look, Don, it’s not a question of can’t, I just didn’t think you were ready to.”
“Why? I mean, why did you think that?”
“Let’s just say that your reputation precedes you, and leave it at that, all right?”
“No, wait, what? My reputation? What the hell does that mean?”
Howard counted off on his fingers. “Nadine, Robin....”
Okay, so apparently word was out at the US Attorney’s office that Don was a commitment-phobe. “All right, fine, but....”
“....Liz....”
“Now wait a minute, Liz was after you.” He broke off when he realized what he’d said. “Okay, that might not be the right argument here.”
“And before. Word gets round the law enforcement community, Don. Nothing is sacred, especially sex.”
“Jesus. Is that why you came on all interested?”
Howard laughed. “Yes, Don, your reputation with women led me to believe that you’d be receptive to an overture from me. Besides, if I remember correctly, it was you who made the first move.”
“Because you were looking at me like...! Christ, I was hard for almost the entire case.”
Howard leaned forward, laid his fingers on Don’s hand. “It was good while it lasted, Don. I’m not sorry about our time together.”
“What if I was? Ready, that is, not sorry.”
“I’m not going to play ‘what if’ with you, Don, because this isn’t a game to me.”
Don wanted to tell Howard that it wasn’t a game to him, either, but the words stuck in his throat. Instead they changed the subject and ordered another round.
Don was sitting at the table in the break room when Megan came in for a coffee refill. The fresh pot he’d started had just stopped dripping moments ago, which proved that Megan either had really good timing or a nose for the fresh stuff. She poured, stirred.
“Hey, something wrong?”
“No. Not really. Just....” He couldn’t get the things Howard had told him out of his head.
Megan slid onto the seat across from him, blew on the steaming mug she warmed her hands on. “Just what?”
She looked so earnest and interested that Don couldn’t help himself, and he took a moment to be thankful that she was on their side before he said, “Do I have a reputation?”
Megan didn’t laugh, but Don could tell that it was a close thing. “A, uh, reputation for what, exactly?”
“Nothing, never mind, this is stupid.” Don started to slide off the chair, but Megan placed her hand, warm from the coffee mug, on his wrist.
“No, it’s not stupid. I’m sorry, you just surprised me. Please, stay.”
Don settled himself back on the hard seat, which in itself was telling, because he really couldn’t believe that he was talking to anyone about this.
“Now, explain. What kind of reputation?”
“The kind you think I mean.” Don knew he sounded snotty, but he couldn’t stop himself.
“You mean when I got transferred to LA, and told my best friend I’d be working on your team, did she warn me about you? Then tell me if anything happened to call her with all the gory details?”
“Oh, Jesus.” Don buried his face in his hands. “Seriously?” he asked, the word muffled by his hands.
Megan patted his arm. “Hey, at least word in the agency is that you’re a gentleman. I mean, why do you think there’s a waiting list a mile long for the LA office?”
Don lifted his head just far enough to stare at her over his fingers. Thankfully he saw the twitch at the corner of her lips before he made a fool out of himself. “Yeah, cute. So what did you tell your friend?”
“That the Don Eppes I met was an honorable man who wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize the team.”
Don snorted, even more embarrassed at the compliment than he’d been over spilling his guts.
“What brought this on?”
“Nothing, just...something someone told me.” Megan didn’t say anything, just gave him the space to answer at his own pace. “That they didn’t expect our relationship to last because m-my reputation preceded me.”
“Ouch.”
“I mean, it’s not like I go into these relationships thinking they’re not going to last.” He remembered how quickly he’d been to accept Liz’s invitation her first day back, even though he’d already had plans with Howard. “Mostly.”
“So, what, now you’re worried that you’re a big old man slut?”
Don didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “A big old man slut?” Megan shrugged. “No. No, but...what if I can’t commit? What if I...?”
“That’s a load of bull. You can commit. You’re committed to your family and to your team.” Megan shushed him when he started to speak. “Look, I know that it sucks when things don’t work out, but have you ever thought that maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet?”
“I thought that was an excuse people used when they couldn’t commit.”
Megan laughed. “Or it could be the truth.” She slid off the seat, picked up her mug. “Hey, listen, Don, if it makes you feel any better, David gave Colby the same warning.”
Don couldn’t get his mouth to work, and Megan’s laugh echoed in the bullpen as she made her way back to her desk.
“Funny,” he finally said, but she was too far away to hear his clever reply. Then he shook his head and grinned as he got up and poured himself a fresh cup of coffee. Maybe Megan was right, and he just hadn’t found the right person yet. Or maybe he had, and that’s why Howard’s words had cut so deeply.
The breakup with Liz was bloodless and mostly painless. Apparently she’d heard all about his reputation as well, and had been expecting it. Don wasn’t sure whether to curse or just be grateful for it in that instance. He’d thought about what Megan had said, thought about the string of exes he’d left behind him over the last ten years: Terry, Coop, Nikki, Kim, Nadine, Robin, Howard and Liz, and that didn’t count all the one-night stands he’d had. He’d liked them all, loved them, even, but the choice to date most of them had been made on the basis of what he was supposed to be striving for - wife, 2.5 kids, white picket fence - rather than on the basis of whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Until he’d met Howard, though he hadn’t realized it at the time.
Over the next few days Megan kept giving him funny looks until he finally snapped, “What?”
“I don’t know.” She studied him. “You just seem...different. Happier.”
“Huh.” Don thought about that for a minute. “I guess I am.” He hadn’t realized how much lighter he’d felt since he’d made the decision to be honest with himself and end things with Liz.
“Good. I’m glad. So things are working out with Liz?”
“Actually....” Don slid a hip onto the corner of Megan’s desk. “...Liz and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.” Megan’s face fell, but before she could say anything, Don waved his hand and continued. “No, no, it’s fine. We’re still friends, but you were right.”
“I was? Well, of course I was. About what?”
“About meeting the right person. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like Liz. I like her a lot.”
“What’s not to like, right?”
“Exactly! I mean, she’s smart, beautiful, funny....”
“Can kick your ass.”
Don raised his eyebrows. “Is that what Larry likes?”
Megan’s skin turned a bright pink even as she laughed. “I’m not telling. Now, back to you.”
“Okay, well, so, yeah, I mean, I probably could have spent the rest of my life with her, except....”
“Something would have been missing.”
Don sighed, relieved that it could so easily be put into words, that someone else could understand what he was feeling. “Yes, exactly.”
“You’re feeling a little giddy now, aren’t you?”
“That obvious, huh?”
Megan shrugged. “I wasn’t sure what it was, at first, but you look like you’ve stopped carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
“I finally feel like I know what I’m doing.” He looked up and saw a familiar form pass down the hallway towards the elevator. It was the first time he’d seen Howard since he’d broken things off with Liz. Don slid off Megan’s desk. “Excuse me.”
Megan’s reply was lost in the sound of the blood pounding in Don’s ears. He wiped his palms on his slacks as he sped across the bullpen, hoping to catch Howard before he disappeared. In the hallway, Howard stood with his back to Don, head bowed over the document he was reading as he waited for the elevator.
“Hey.”
Howard looked up from his papers, then he smiled. “Don.”
“Listen, uh....” Don leaned one shoulder against the wall, afraid his knees would give out if he didn’t have some other means of support. “I was wondering if we could get together tonight, for dinner. Or just drinks,” he added when Howard frowned.
“Don, I’m sorry, I can’t tonight. I’m going to be working late answering this brief...” He flipped through the document he’d been reading. “...so we can file our answer first thing in the morning.”
The elevator arrived and Howard stepped inside, pressed the button for the first floor, and Don panicked. “Tomorrow night?”
Howard was peering at him as if he could see right through to Don’s soul. “I’ll call you,” he said as the door closed between them.
Don let his head fall against the wall. Just like that, the buoyancy he’d been feeling was suddenly lost in the heavy drag of disappointment. How many times had he said, “I’ll call you,” and never followed through? He couldn’t believe that Howard was blowing him off, not after they’d started to rebuild their friendship. Unless Howard hadn’t realized the import of Don’s invitation.
Energized, Don pushed himself away from the wall and headed for the stairs. He took two at a time until he reached the first floor. As he pushed through the fire door, Don saw Howard’s back disappear out the glass doors at the front of the building. He raced across the lobby and caught up to Howard as he was putting his briefcase in his car.
“Howard!”
“Don?” Howard looked startled at first, then looked at Don more intently, and Don wondered what he saw.
“Hey. Listen. I, uh, I’d really like you to have dinner with me tomorrow night.” He waited, watching the expressions flit across Howard’s face. When it looked like he might need a gentle push to accept, Don took his hand, said, “Please. Please give me a second chance.”
Howard looked down at their hands, then into Don’s eyes. “I take it you’re not talking about drinks and dinner between friends.”
“Well, friends, yes, of course, but more, I hope.”
Howard shook his head. “Don....”
“Look, I’ve been doing some thinking and, uh....” Don’s stomach fell. “Oh, god, you’re not seeing anyone, are you?”
Howard shook his head again. “No. Aren’t you?”
“No, I’m not seeing anyone. Yet.”
“Oh. You, uh, you were saying? You’ve been doing some thinking...?”
Don shook his head to clear it. “Right, yeah, I’ve been thinking about my, uh, relationships and why they haven’t lasted.”
Howard leaned against the car, interested, Don figured, since his hand still rested in Don’s. “And what did you realize?”
“They weren’t the right one.”
Both of Howard’s eyebrows went up. “And I am?”
“Yeah, I, uh, I mean, I think so.” He stroked his finger over the back of Howard’s hand. “I think you are. Is that, uh, is that too much for you?”
Howard pulled his hand out of Don’s, walked around the car. Don’s heart plummeted. Howard pulled the driver’s side door open, said, “Eight o’clock, my place. I’ll cook,” before sliding into the car.
Don had a stupid smile on his face as he watched Howard pull away.
Alan looked up from the paper he was reading when Don pushed the door open and stepped into the foyer. “Oh, hey, Donny.”
“Hey, Dad.”
Charlie looked up from his laptop long enough to smile a welcome and Don inclined his chin in acknowledgment.
“No plans with Liz tonight?”
“No.” Don, back to his father as he hung up his jacket, grimaced. As much as he wasn’t looking forward to having this conversation with is father, he’d never get a better opening. When he turned back toward the living room, Charlie was staring at him, a concerned expression on his face.
“Is everything all right?”
“What, something’s wrong? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, Dad.” Don reached out to bop Charlie on the head as he walked past him, anticipated his attempt to duck out of the way and made contact.
“Ow.”
Don sat down, wished he’d had time to get a beer first, almost got up to go get one - or two. Instead he said, “But there is something I need to tell you.”
“Oh? What?”
Charlie hadn’t said anything, but he was no longer paying attention to his laptop.
“Liz and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.”
Charlie and their father fell all over themselves telling him how sorry they were and asking if he was all right.
“I’m fine. I really am. I mean, I liked Liz, I liked her a lot, but....” Putting his feelings into words was more difficult than Don had thought it would be, and he’d thought it would be plenty difficult. “She’s not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
“How do you know?”
Don found himself annoyed at his father’s reasonable tone. “Because I think I’ve already met that person, Dad.” He wiped his hand over his face. “All my life I’ve felt like a square peg, trying to stuff myself into a round hole, and I can’t do that anymore. I like women, but...I’ve met someone, and I think he could be it for me.”
Alan said, “Oh.”
Charlie didn’t say anything, though he looked surprised. Don watched as his expressions moved through hurt to thoughtful. “Chuck?”
“How come you never said anything? I mean....” He left the rest unsaid, but Don heard the unspoken ‘you knew I’d understand.’
Don had known that Charlie wasn’t averse to spending quality time with people of the same sex ever since the afternoon he’d walked in on Charlie and Joey Parrish during the summer after Charlie’d graduated from Princeton. Don hadn’t believed they’d been studying math, no matter what Charlie had said at the time, until Charlie had explained the rules of strip-studying, where every time you got an answer wrong you had to remove an article of clothing. Don had wondered how Charlie’d gotten any actual studying done that way, and, very briefly, had also wondered what else Charlie had learned at Princeton, though he’d closed off that line of thought before he’d needed to bleach the images from his brain. They hadn’t talked about it again. Until now.
“It wasn’t something about myself that I was comfortable with,” Don said. He wasn’t sure if Charlie understood, or if he was merely giving him a pass, but he just nodded.
“Are you sure?”
Don turned his attention back to his father. “You know how much I hate talking about my feelings, you really think I’d be saying this now if I wasn’t sure?”
“No, it’s just...you’ve chosen a hard path, Donny. You know I just want you to be happy.”
“I do know that, Dad, and I think I’ll be much happier once I stop lying to myself. And you guys. I mean, I can’t tell everyone, but, you know....”
Alan saved Don from himself. “So, who’s the lucky man? Howard?”
“Uh, yeah. How’d you know?”
Alan scoffed. “I might not have realized it at the time, but he’s the only one you brought home to meet your family. Were you...dating him?”
“Yeah, I-I guess I was.”
“Well, he’s not a doctor, Dad, but little Donny bagged himself an attorney,” Charlie chimed in, grinning.
Alan laughed and Don couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face. “Shut up, Chuck.” Don squeezed his father’s shoulder as he walked past on the way to the kitchen and a much-deserved beer.
“Hey, bring me one, too!”
Don flipped his brother off behind their father’s back, then laughed to himself when Charlie told on him. That had been as excruciatingly difficult as he’d anticipated, but it had been worth it.
Howard was wearing a pair of grey slacks and a white dress shirt, the sleeves rolled up, top two buttons opened. Most of his outfit was covered by the ‘Kiss the Cook’ apron he wore, but he still looked good enough to eat. Don was glad he’d dressed up in black pants with the blue silk shirt that Howard had liked to slide between his fingers. He’d gone without an undershirt, hoping it would just be in the way, and been punished for his hubris as the shirt rubbed against his nipples the entire drive over, resulting in him being half hard before Howard had even opened the door.
As he stepped over the threshold, Don held out the bottle he carried. “I brought wine.”
Howard, the consummate host, took the bottle. “Thank you.” He read the label. “Nice. I’ve got a bottle breathing, so I’ll just stick this one in the refrigerator for later.”
Don was happier than the comment warranted, already looking forward to there being a ‘later’. Howard closed the door and Don followed him to the kitchen, where Howard poured two glasses of wine, handed one to Don, and then checked the oven.
“We’ve still got a few minutes until it’s done. Living room?”
Howard sat on the couch, but Don walked over to the wall of windows and looked out over the city. He’d missed coming over here. His apartment felt dreary after spending time in Howard’s, and not just because of the location, the furnishings, or even the spectacular view. He’d missed Howard, but he’d been slow in figuring that out. Don took a sip of the wine Howard had chosen, then walked over to the couch and sat down beside Howard.
Don set his glass on the coffee table, twisted so that he was facing Howard. “Hi.”
Howard’s lips twitched. “Hi.”
Don reached out slowly, giving Howard plenty of notice before Don cupped his face, leaned forward and pulled him into a kiss. It started out chaste and sweet, a gentle press of lips that said *hi, I missed you, I’m glad you’re here*. Howard raised the ante when he slid his tongue across Don’s lip, but the kiss remained tender until Howard reached out blindly and set his own wine glass down, then curled his fingers around the back of Don’s neck.
Don moaned into Howard’s mouth and passion, once banked, now exploded into a conflagration. Howard gave him a little push and Don allowed himself to be pressed back, welcomed the heat and weight of Howard’s body on his. Howard slid his free hand over Don’s chest, thumbed his nipple through the silk.
Howard lifted his mouth just enough to whisper against Don’s lips, “I love this shirt.”
Don arched up into his touch. “I know, god, I know.”
Howard nipped at Don’s lip. “You remembered?”
“Yes, please....”
Howard lowered his head and flicked his tongue over the nub pressing against the shirt, then suckled it through the silk. Don moaned, pulled Howard’s head up and kissed him until the smell of overcooked dinner reached them.
In the kitchen, they moved around each other like they’d been doing it for years, turning off the oven and removing the roasting pan, turning on the fan, opening the windows. Howard waved a potholder to clear away the smoke that had billowed out of the oven when he’d opened the door. He gave Don a self-deprecating grin. “Well, so much for impressing you with my culinary skills.”
Everything suddenly clicked into place and Don knew he was right where he wanted to be. He could actually see himself here next week, next month, next year. He slipped his finger beneath Howard’s waistband and tugged him close until their bodies were touching. “You don’t need to impress me.” He dropped a kiss on Howard’s lips. “At least, not with your culinary skills.” Another kiss.
Howard licked his lips. “We should probably take things slow this time, don’t you think?”
Don backed him against the refrigerator. “Actually, Counselor, I think that idea sucks.” This time the kiss was deep and hungry and desperate, and Don hoped that Howard understood everything he was trying to say with it. When they separated, Howard’s lips were red, wet, swollen, and Don knew that his looked the same. Don slid his fingers along the waistband until he reached the button.
Voice a little rough, cracking, Howard said, “Well, I guess we could negotiate.”
Don slipped the button, drew down the zip.
“Compromise.”
Don slid his hand into Howard’s pants, cupped his erection through his boxers, squeezed. “No plea bargain; you’re going down.” Don pushed Howard’s shorts out of the way until he could wrap his fingers around the hot, hard length of him.
Howard’s laugh was breathless and broke off into a long, low moan. “B-but it’s my first offense.”
“If you can’t do the time, then don’t do the crime.” Don swiped his thumb over the head of Howard’s cock as he nibbled on his neck. He’d missed the feel of him, the taste of him, and he wanted it all, right now. Don poked his thumb into the slit just to hear the way Howard moaned, pressed his thumb into the sweet spot below the ridge just to feel him shake.
Howard pushed into his fist. “Jesus, Don! What, uh, what are you offering?”
“Life,” Don said against Howard’s ear, squeezing just the way Howard liked it when his thrusts sped up, “with no possibility of parole.”
“I accept,” Howard gasped, and came over Don’s hand.
